CHANGE

Change has been on my mind lately. I hate change. I understand the benefits of change but I still passionately hate it. I have a friend (an amazing friend) whose mother is fighting cancer so I've been thinking about changes. Jacob started Kindergarten today and I've been thinking about changes. Man, I hate changes!! I hate the unknown and the pain of making the unknown known. I hate feeling helpless. I just wish there was something, anything, I could do for my friend. I wish I could be with Jacob every moment of his day. This morning I watched him walk into a school building and I don't know what's going to happen in there. I feel helpless! I try to see Kindergarten as the beginning of Jacob's school career but mostly I think of it as an ending of having my son with me all the time. An ending of me being the person he spends the majority of his time with. That's dramatic, isn't it? I just hope I will always be my son's major influence in his life (at least until he gets married) and when I'm not there that he will remember my influence and what I've taught him. Thankfully, I'm the only one who's terrified about Kindergarten. Jacob is so excited for school. I finally asked him if he was nervous about anything and he said "Nope, it's a little scary making new friends but then it's easy." And this morning he woke up and came and woke me up and said "It's my first day of school!!!" Not exactly what I wanted to hear considering I was still up at 2:00 am crying over the first day of school!

Jacob with his mom and dad. I'm very grateful Dad went to work late and took Jacob to Kindergarten with me. I needed all the support I could get this morning.

See, Jacob actually ran away from me to catch up with his friend, Jake. He didn't even give me a hug good bye. He's going to do so great in Kindergarten. I hope Jacob has this attitude for every new thing he does. I don't remember much about Kindegarten but I do remember being scared and I remember when I moved to Provo and started 2nd grade in October, my mom left me in my classroom and I started to panic. So I told my teacher that my mom had my pencils so I could see her again. This little boy named Daniel (yes, I still remember) told me I could have one of his pencils and handed me this little stubby pencil that was maybe 2 inches long and I was so upset because then I wasn't going to see my mom again. I guess even though I hate changes, I'm really grateful that Jacob seems to look at it as an adventure.

Here's Jacob waiting in his line with his friend, Jake. His 3 other friends are in the other class and while of course I stressed about this, it doesn't seem to phase Jacob at all. He told me there were lots of new people to be his friends. Wow, if I had that attitude when I went to school (oh, and college) life would have been easier.

So to end my long ramblings I'll post a poem I came across in college. I read it in the book "A Quiet Heart" by Sister Patricia Holland. It's by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Let us then labour for an inward stillness-
An inward stillness and an inward healing;
That perfect silence, where the lips and heart
Are still, and we no longer entertain
Our own imperfect thoughts and vain opinions
But God alone speaks in us, and we wait
In singleness of heart, that we may know
His will and in the silence of our spirits
That we may do His will and do that only.